Disappointed Again

I was out raking the front yard yesterday on the most beautiful day we've had all year, when it felt like my period was starting.  I went to the bathroom to confirm and sure enough, there it was.  I just stared at it for a minute, as if in denial of what I was seeing...and then I broke down crying.  I know it has only been 4 or 5 months since we began trying for a baby, but it is still heartbreaking every time I find out that I'm not pregnant.  I think the hardest part is not understanding why I am not pregnant.  I keep praying that God will help me to get pregnant when He thinks its the right time, but I can't understand why now isn't the right time.  I know I should just relax and trust Him, but it is really hard. 

When I finally gained the strength to get up and deal with it I went and laid down on the bed for a while to think about things.  I think part of why I am in such a hurry to get pregnant is because my husband just turned 31.  For some reason I feel like at that age he should have at least one kid by now.  My parents are only 20 years older than I am, and although they were horrible parents, I like having parents closer to my age.  I feel like I can relate to them better.  I want my kids to have that.  I want my kids to have a dad that is young and energetic and willing to get out and play with them.  I know my husband isn't that old, but I can't help but feel like he should be a father by now.

Every time I find out I'm not pregnant I feel like it is somehow my fault; like I'm doing something wrong.  I know that isn't the case, so why do I always feel that way?  I think every time I find I'm not pregnant I go through all the seven stages of grief.  I know I did yesterday.  Now I am feeling optimistic again for this month, but I still remain in fear of being disappointed again.