When I awoke with a full bladder this morning, I had everything ready.  My plastic cup and home pregnancy test had been waiting on the bathroom counter all night.  It had been 34 days since the first day of my last period, and I hadn't had any signs of another period's arrival.  I peed in the cup, set it on the counter, and what do you know...when I wiped there was a pale spot of blood on the toilet paper.  I wiped again and got the same thing. 

I have been trying to get pregnant for 5 or 6 months (long enough that I can't remember!), and now it will be another 2 months before I can even try again (my husband is away for work).  Oddly enough, this time I didn't cry...or get angry.  I'm certainly not happy about it, but I guess I'm getting used to it.  I still can barely stand to see other babies, though! 

I think I'm going to treat myself to a trip to Starbucks and Ross today to make myself feel better.  This also means if I try hard enough I could have a swimsuit body by June!  It always helps to think about the positives.  I don't have to stress so much about what I'm eating or drinking between now and then; at least not in the same way.  All I can do is keep praying and trust that God is in control.

Apparently I'm Fertile!

The other day I had something happen that had never happened before.  When I got out of bed in the morning and went to the bathroom, I noticed a small spot on my underwear that looked like old blood mixed with mucus.  I did some research and found that it was likely ovulation spotting, which is an excellent sign of fertility!  What's more, the night before as I was watching TV I felt some mild pain on the right side of my abdomen, which was apparently ovulation cramping.  I had no idea either of those things existed because I had never had them before.  Having both of them has given  me renewed confidence in getting pregnant.  I just hope my boost of confidence doesn't make it worse if I don't get pregnant this month.

More News

Over the last couple of days I have found out that two more people I know are pregnant.  These two were both by accident.  For some reason I think it is getting easier to take when I find out another person is pregnant, but I am beginning to feel like God is really testing me for some reason.  I have never known so many pregnant people at one time!  Overall, I feel more at peace with it all than I have in the past, which makes me happy.  I would really love to get pregnant this month, though!  Not only would it be a great birthday present for me, but my husband will be gone the entire months of April and May.  I know I said I didn't want a Christmas baby, but I'll take what I can get!  I'd rather it was born during Christmas than during the time of year my husband travels for work.  Besides, my husband automatically gets the last two weeks of December off from work, in addition to his regular vacation time.  Maybe a Christmas baby is what's best after all.  I guess I'll wait and see.

Disappointed Again

I was out raking the front yard yesterday on the most beautiful day we've had all year, when it felt like my period was starting.  I went to the bathroom to confirm and sure enough, there it was.  I just stared at it for a minute, as if in denial of what I was seeing...and then I broke down crying.  I know it has only been 4 or 5 months since we began trying for a baby, but it is still heartbreaking every time I find out that I'm not pregnant.  I think the hardest part is not understanding why I am not pregnant.  I keep praying that God will help me to get pregnant when He thinks its the right time, but I can't understand why now isn't the right time.  I know I should just relax and trust Him, but it is really hard. 

When I finally gained the strength to get up and deal with it I went and laid down on the bed for a while to think about things.  I think part of why I am in such a hurry to get pregnant is because my husband just turned 31.  For some reason I feel like at that age he should have at least one kid by now.  My parents are only 20 years older than I am, and although they were horrible parents, I like having parents closer to my age.  I feel like I can relate to them better.  I want my kids to have that.  I want my kids to have a dad that is young and energetic and willing to get out and play with them.  I know my husband isn't that old, but I can't help but feel like he should be a father by now.

Every time I find out I'm not pregnant I feel like it is somehow my fault; like I'm doing something wrong.  I know that isn't the case, so why do I always feel that way?  I think every time I find I'm not pregnant I go through all the seven stages of grief.  I know I did yesterday.  Now I am feeling optimistic again for this month, but I still remain in fear of being disappointed again.

To Test or Not To Test

It is getting so tempting to take a pregnancy test.  I know it would be a dumb idea but I am getting so anxious to find out if I am pregnant.  Some people would say just take one, but if I get a negative result I will be left in the same place I am now - still wondering if I might be pregnant.  Not to mention I'd be throwing money out the window.  I am going to try to be strong and wait it out.  I might not make it to the 17th, but my goal is to wait until at least Wednesday, the 14th.  By then my period definitely should have started if I'm not pregnant.

Coffee and Other Confusion

I think I ovulated yesterday, even though it was only day 12, and now I'm doing everything I told myself not to do!  I'm feeling "different" today, even though I know symptoms don't show up this soon.  I also went online to see when my due date would be if I am pregnant.  I was happy to see that it would be mid November.  I don't want my kid to have a birthday too close to Christmas.  Why can't I just convince myself to not think about being pregnant?

Because I could possibly be pregnant, I spent a half an hour this morning trying to decide whether or not to have coffee.  I switched to decaf when I started trying to get pregnant because I figured it would be best to go without caffeine.  I have never been someone that drinks it every day, but I usually have one cup 3-4 days a week.  The other day, though, my brother-in-law mentioned something about chemicals being used to decaffeinate coffee.  I decided to do some research and found a lot of conflicting information.  Some people think its totally safe to have 1 cup of regular coffee a day, while others say to stay away from it completely.  In regards to decaf, some say the amount of chemicals left in the coffee after decaffeinating it is so small that it isn't an issue, while others say you are better off drinking regular coffee than decaf because of the chemicals.  There is decaf coffee that was decaffeinated using water instead of chemicals, but I don't have any and I've heard it is expensive so I finally resorted to going totally without coffee.  I just feel like I can't take that risk because if I am pregnant, now (and the next few weeks) is the most crucial time in the baby's development. 

I just wish there were more clear yes or no answers in regards to nutrition during pregnancy.  I don't want to do anything to harm my baby, but I don't want to go way overboard either.  Sometimes I think about how many people just live their lives like they always did and have totally normal, healthy babies, but I know that's not the attitude to have.  I guess I'll just continue doing my best and trying not to stress about it.  It will be easier when I know I am pregnant.  March 17 can't come soon enough!  Yes, I set a date to take a pregnancy test so I won't keep taking them too early and wasting them!

The Week!

This is the week!  The week I am supposed to ovulate, that is.  Honestly, I don't know how I feel about it.  I am trying not to feel excited and thus set myself up for letdown if I don't get pregnant, but at the same time I feel like we have a pretty good chance this time.  This will be my fourth month off of birth control, which is about when most women who were on birth control can start to get pregnant.  So far we are keeping up with the every-other-day thing so I think we have pretty good chances of conceiving, but it is still difficult to be optimistic.  For some reason every time I hear about someone else's pregnancy I feel more pessimistic about the whole thing (and I have been hearing about it a lot lately!).  What makes it even harder is the fact that I can't really explain to myself exactly why I want a baby so bad!  Is that a cause for concern or is that normal?  I just feel like it's the right time for us to start a family.

Knowing I could conceive this week has also made me increasingly concerned about what I eat.  I have read that the first few weeks after conception (before you even know you are pregnant) are the most crucial in the baby's development so what I eat for the next three weeks is more important than what I eat the entire rest of my pregnancy!  My husband thinks I am worrying about it too much and that I should just eat what I normally eat, but I feel like I have to eat the absolute perfect diet in order to give my baby a good start.  I have no problem going without caffeine, herbal tea, soft cheeses, Cesar dressing, etc... and I don't drink alcohol, eat shellfish/most seafood, or use tobacco/drugs.  The problem is I have never been good at getting my fruits and veggies in.  I am doing way better now than I used to, but I worry it isn't enough.  I know my prenatal vitamin will cover all of the bases, but I still worry I'm not doing enough.  I know the stress isn't good for me, though.

One thing that has helped a lot in this department is Feed the Belly, by Frances Largeman-Roth, RD.  It covers all the basics in regards to nutrition during pregnancy and has a ton of recipes.  I have only tried one of the recipes so far, but there are quite a few that sound good.  I bought this book used on Amazon for around $5 or $6 including shipping.

While I'm on the topic of books, another I would highly recommend is the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy.  If you only buy one pregnancy book, this is the one to get!  It has everything I was looking for (besides good recipes which is why I bought Feed the Belly).  It has great weekly and monthly summaries of your pregnancy, too.  I got a great deal on this book (used) on Amazon as well.

My goal this week is to stay optimistic about getting pregnant, but to try not to think about it much.  I also want to really watch what I eat in case I do conceive.  I guess I'll see how it goes!

Just a Little Jealousy

Ugh!  I just found out (via Facebook, of course) that another person I know, who I'm not really friends with but we attended the same high school, is pregnant!  I know it shouldn't get me down, but I'll be honest, it kind of pisses me off.  To me this one is even worse than the last one because I really don't think this couple is fit to raise a child, based on their lifestyle.  Their lives seem to revolve around drinking and partying.  Why do they even want a baby?  Don't they realize they can't do that when they have a baby?  It's hard to imagine her not drinking while she's pregnant, too, since she seems to drink all the time.  I know I'm being jealous and judgmental, but I know some of you will understand me!  Why is getting pregnant so easy for everyone but me?

Knowing When its Time

Deciding when to have a baby is a big deal.  There are many aspects you need to consider before throwing out that pack of birth control pills.  We wanted to be as prepared as possible to give our child the best quality of care and prevent unbearable strain on our marriage.

I still remember the day my husband first told me he was ready to think about starting a family.  We were camping and the fishing wasn't very good so we decided to relax by the campfire for a while.  I don't remember what brought it up, but I couldn't believe it when he mentioned the possibility of having a baby.  That was 2 years ago, and I am not even pregnant yet.

I married a very practical man, which is something I love about him...usually.  I would have just had a baby whenever and figured we'd make it work, but he is always concerned about finances.  The more he thought about it, the more he decided we should wait.  First it was 6 months, then it was a year.  He kept thinking of more things we needed to do to prepare.  At the time we were renting a small apartment and were plagued with student loan debt.  I couldn't help but think, "There's always going to be an excuse to put it off, so at some point we just need to do it."  I am definitely glad we waited, though.  We now own a house and plan to have our student loans totally paid off before a baby arrives.

Every once in a while my husband will still talk about putting off having a baby even longer in order to pay off more debt.  I'm already off of birth control, so I don't think that will happen, but it does worry me when he brings it up.  Is he still not ready to have a baby?  Does he worry about how it will affect our relationship?  We have a really good marriage, but we're not perfect.  Maybe he's worried having a baby will drive us apart.  He already makes comments sometimes about how I love our dog more than I love him.  Lately he has been feeling like I don't give him enough attention and affection.  He even mentioned that he thinks when a baby comes I will be so excited about the baby that I won't care about him at all.  I try to tell him that isn't true, but he is a very stubborn and opinionated man!

Most people would tell us we should put it off longer for that reason; in fact, some people have.  I am used to people not approving of our decisions, though.  I was 19 and he was 26 when we got married.  I can think of very few people who approved of our relationship at all, much less us getting married when I was so young.  We have been married almost five years now, and we have never regretted our decision.  As far as we can tell we have a better marriage than most people we know.  The seven year age difference hasn't been much of an issue...until now.  I feel like now that he's 30 we need to get on the ball or he will be too much older than our kids.  However, many people look at me and think, "What are you in such a hurry to have kids for?  You're only 23 years old!"  I have always been more mature and grounded than others my age, so I know I'm ready, but I guess they just don't understand that I'm ready to make those compromises that come with having a baby.  Maybe it isn't me at all, though.  Maybe they still doubt the durability of our marriage.

Nevertheless, I think the timing is right.  We have a nice house with a big yard, we have financial stability, and we have a great relationship with each other and God.  I know we'll be great parents.  In fact, that's one of the things I look forward to the most about having a baby.  I am so excited to see what my husband will be like as a father!  Of course, I pray every day that God will make it happen in His time, not mine, because only He knows when the best time will be.

The Story So Far

I've read a lot about how long it can take for people to get pregnant, so why did I still expect it to be so easy?  It has been three months since going off of birth control, and here I am on another period.  I know I can't complain - only one of the past three months can I say we were really trying for a baby, but every day feels like a week, and every week a month now that I'm trying to get pregnant.

MONTH 1:  I have read that it is a good idea to wait a month after going off birth control before trying to get pregnant because it is good to give your body time to adjust to the change, so we weren't planning on trying that month.  However, my husband returned home after being gone for work for 3 months and that plan went out the window!  I was sure we did the deed on the day I ovulated, and when my period didn't come on time I was convinced I was pregnant.  I totally had symptoms, like extremely sensitive breasts, that I had never experienced before.  I took a pregnancy test, which came out negative, but I was sure that I just took it too soon.  I even downloaded an app on my smartphone that told me how big my baby was and what was developing that week.  Needless to say when my period started I was disappointed.  The disappointment was magnified when I realized the horrible cramps I got before I was on birth control had returned.

MONTH 2: After dealing with extreme cramps, I was determined to get pregnant the next month to avoid having them again.  I had been charting my basal body temperature since going off of birth control, but there was no clear pattern or consistency in my readings.  I decided the our best bet was to just have sex every other day.  Sperm can live up to 3 days in there, so it seemed like a fool-proof plan.  Having sex every other day is not an easy accomplishment when your husband works 10 hour days, though.  We did a pretty good job of it around the time of ovulation, so when my period was late this time, I figured I had to be pregnant.  After 2 negative pregnancy tests, a couple of days apart, I knew I probably wasn't pregnant but I was still holding on to that hope that maybe I was.  My period came even later than it had the month before and I began to wonder if I would ever be able to get pregnant.  I know that sounds ridiculous since it was only the first month that we really tried to get pregnant, but I didn't see how it was possible to not get pregnant if you have sex every other day.  I think part of the problem is that I had been told that my grandma and my aunt both got pregnant right away after going off birth control.  My husband's brother and his wife were the same way.  I and my siblings were all the result of unplanned pregnancies.  I couldn't help but think getting pregnant was so easy, despite what I had read about it usually taking 5 months to a year for the average couple to conceive.  I figured maybe those people just weren't having sex enough, or were too stressed out.

MONTH 3:  Not getting pregnant this month wasn't such a let down because I knew it would be highly unlikely.  My husband and I were apart during the week I was supposed to ovulate.  Of course when my period didn't start on time again, I had a little glimmer of hope, but I knew it had been late the last two months so I expected it to be again.  I was at least smart enough not to waste money on a pregnancy test this month.

I have always had regular periods, even before going on birth control, so it has been really frustrating having them come late every month.  Not only am I unprepared when it starts, but keep having false hopes that I might be pregnant.  I have done a little research online about this, and I think it might be that I'm not ovulating yet.  I have read that it can take 3-4 months after going off of birth control before you are able to get pregnant, so I am hoping that maybe next month will the the month for us.  The good thing is I think I have calmed down a little about the whole thing and am more prepared to just let it happen when it happens.  In the beginning I was so caught up in getting pregnant right away that set myself up for major letdown.  Maybe it's because I was worried my husband would change his mind about being ready for a baby, which I will discuss more in another post.

I think the other thing that made it hard during the second month is that a girl that I went to high school with that hasn't even been married a year (if I remember correctly) started posting pictures of her baby bump on Facebook.  She was one of my good friends in high school and I don't consider myself to be a bitch, but I really hated her when I saw that!  I thought things like, "They haven't been married long enough to have a baby," and "How can they afford to have a baby?  They must have had rich parents that just payed for them to go to college.  They don't even know what it means to support themselves, much less a baby."  I am not usually a mean person, but I was jealous.  I felt like since I was better prepared to have a baby (I've been married much longer, have been out of college longer, have been financially independent longer), I deserved one more.  The fact is, it doesn't work that way!  First of all, my friend and her husband might be totally prepared for a baby, and will be great parents and I'm happy for them now.  Jealousy just got the best of me that day.  The thing is though, people who shouldn't have a baby or don't want a baby get pregnant all the time, and we need to be prepared to deal with that.  Maybe God's plan for me is to try without success for a while so he can teach me some lessons like this one.

I know this is kind of a long post and covers a lot, but I needed to get caught up.  Future posts will be a little shorter and more focused on a specific thought or topic.