When I awoke with a full bladder this morning, I had everything ready.  My plastic cup and home pregnancy test had been waiting on the bathroom counter all night.  It had been 34 days since the first day of my last period, and I hadn't had any signs of another period's arrival.  I peed in the cup, set it on the counter, and what do you know...when I wiped there was a pale spot of blood on the toilet paper.  I wiped again and got the same thing. 

I have been trying to get pregnant for 5 or 6 months (long enough that I can't remember!), and now it will be another 2 months before I can even try again (my husband is away for work).  Oddly enough, this time I didn't cry...or get angry.  I'm certainly not happy about it, but I guess I'm getting used to it.  I still can barely stand to see other babies, though! 

I think I'm going to treat myself to a trip to Starbucks and Ross today to make myself feel better.  This also means if I try hard enough I could have a swimsuit body by June!  It always helps to think about the positives.  I don't have to stress so much about what I'm eating or drinking between now and then; at least not in the same way.  All I can do is keep praying and trust that God is in control.

Apparently I'm Fertile!

The other day I had something happen that had never happened before.  When I got out of bed in the morning and went to the bathroom, I noticed a small spot on my underwear that looked like old blood mixed with mucus.  I did some research and found that it was likely ovulation spotting, which is an excellent sign of fertility!  What's more, the night before as I was watching TV I felt some mild pain on the right side of my abdomen, which was apparently ovulation cramping.  I had no idea either of those things existed because I had never had them before.  Having both of them has given  me renewed confidence in getting pregnant.  I just hope my boost of confidence doesn't make it worse if I don't get pregnant this month.

Disappointed Again

I was out raking the front yard yesterday on the most beautiful day we've had all year, when it felt like my period was starting.  I went to the bathroom to confirm and sure enough, there it was.  I just stared at it for a minute, as if in denial of what I was seeing...and then I broke down crying.  I know it has only been 4 or 5 months since we began trying for a baby, but it is still heartbreaking every time I find out that I'm not pregnant.  I think the hardest part is not understanding why I am not pregnant.  I keep praying that God will help me to get pregnant when He thinks its the right time, but I can't understand why now isn't the right time.  I know I should just relax and trust Him, but it is really hard. 

When I finally gained the strength to get up and deal with it I went and laid down on the bed for a while to think about things.  I think part of why I am in such a hurry to get pregnant is because my husband just turned 31.  For some reason I feel like at that age he should have at least one kid by now.  My parents are only 20 years older than I am, and although they were horrible parents, I like having parents closer to my age.  I feel like I can relate to them better.  I want my kids to have that.  I want my kids to have a dad that is young and energetic and willing to get out and play with them.  I know my husband isn't that old, but I can't help but feel like he should be a father by now.

Every time I find out I'm not pregnant I feel like it is somehow my fault; like I'm doing something wrong.  I know that isn't the case, so why do I always feel that way?  I think every time I find I'm not pregnant I go through all the seven stages of grief.  I know I did yesterday.  Now I am feeling optimistic again for this month, but I still remain in fear of being disappointed again.

The Week!

This is the week!  The week I am supposed to ovulate, that is.  Honestly, I don't know how I feel about it.  I am trying not to feel excited and thus set myself up for letdown if I don't get pregnant, but at the same time I feel like we have a pretty good chance this time.  This will be my fourth month off of birth control, which is about when most women who were on birth control can start to get pregnant.  So far we are keeping up with the every-other-day thing so I think we have pretty good chances of conceiving, but it is still difficult to be optimistic.  For some reason every time I hear about someone else's pregnancy I feel more pessimistic about the whole thing (and I have been hearing about it a lot lately!).  What makes it even harder is the fact that I can't really explain to myself exactly why I want a baby so bad!  Is that a cause for concern or is that normal?  I just feel like it's the right time for us to start a family.

Knowing I could conceive this week has also made me increasingly concerned about what I eat.  I have read that the first few weeks after conception (before you even know you are pregnant) are the most crucial in the baby's development so what I eat for the next three weeks is more important than what I eat the entire rest of my pregnancy!  My husband thinks I am worrying about it too much and that I should just eat what I normally eat, but I feel like I have to eat the absolute perfect diet in order to give my baby a good start.  I have no problem going without caffeine, herbal tea, soft cheeses, Cesar dressing, etc... and I don't drink alcohol, eat shellfish/most seafood, or use tobacco/drugs.  The problem is I have never been good at getting my fruits and veggies in.  I am doing way better now than I used to, but I worry it isn't enough.  I know my prenatal vitamin will cover all of the bases, but I still worry I'm not doing enough.  I know the stress isn't good for me, though.

One thing that has helped a lot in this department is Feed the Belly, by Frances Largeman-Roth, RD.  It covers all the basics in regards to nutrition during pregnancy and has a ton of recipes.  I have only tried one of the recipes so far, but there are quite a few that sound good.  I bought this book used on Amazon for around $5 or $6 including shipping.

While I'm on the topic of books, another I would highly recommend is the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy.  If you only buy one pregnancy book, this is the one to get!  It has everything I was looking for (besides good recipes which is why I bought Feed the Belly).  It has great weekly and monthly summaries of your pregnancy, too.  I got a great deal on this book (used) on Amazon as well.

My goal this week is to stay optimistic about getting pregnant, but to try not to think about it much.  I also want to really watch what I eat in case I do conceive.  I guess I'll see how it goes!