When I awoke with a full bladder this morning, I had everything ready.  My plastic cup and home pregnancy test had been waiting on the bathroom counter all night.  It had been 34 days since the first day of my last period, and I hadn't had any signs of another period's arrival.  I peed in the cup, set it on the counter, and what do you know...when I wiped there was a pale spot of blood on the toilet paper.  I wiped again and got the same thing. 

I have been trying to get pregnant for 5 or 6 months (long enough that I can't remember!), and now it will be another 2 months before I can even try again (my husband is away for work).  Oddly enough, this time I didn't cry...or get angry.  I'm certainly not happy about it, but I guess I'm getting used to it.  I still can barely stand to see other babies, though! 

I think I'm going to treat myself to a trip to Starbucks and Ross today to make myself feel better.  This also means if I try hard enough I could have a swimsuit body by June!  It always helps to think about the positives.  I don't have to stress so much about what I'm eating or drinking between now and then; at least not in the same way.  All I can do is keep praying and trust that God is in control.

Apparently I'm Fertile!

The other day I had something happen that had never happened before.  When I got out of bed in the morning and went to the bathroom, I noticed a small spot on my underwear that looked like old blood mixed with mucus.  I did some research and found that it was likely ovulation spotting, which is an excellent sign of fertility!  What's more, the night before as I was watching TV I felt some mild pain on the right side of my abdomen, which was apparently ovulation cramping.  I had no idea either of those things existed because I had never had them before.  Having both of them has given  me renewed confidence in getting pregnant.  I just hope my boost of confidence doesn't make it worse if I don't get pregnant this month.

More News

Over the last couple of days I have found out that two more people I know are pregnant.  These two were both by accident.  For some reason I think it is getting easier to take when I find out another person is pregnant, but I am beginning to feel like God is really testing me for some reason.  I have never known so many pregnant people at one time!  Overall, I feel more at peace with it all than I have in the past, which makes me happy.  I would really love to get pregnant this month, though!  Not only would it be a great birthday present for me, but my husband will be gone the entire months of April and May.  I know I said I didn't want a Christmas baby, but I'll take what I can get!  I'd rather it was born during Christmas than during the time of year my husband travels for work.  Besides, my husband automatically gets the last two weeks of December off from work, in addition to his regular vacation time.  Maybe a Christmas baby is what's best after all.  I guess I'll wait and see.

Disappointed Again

I was out raking the front yard yesterday on the most beautiful day we've had all year, when it felt like my period was starting.  I went to the bathroom to confirm and sure enough, there it was.  I just stared at it for a minute, as if in denial of what I was seeing...and then I broke down crying.  I know it has only been 4 or 5 months since we began trying for a baby, but it is still heartbreaking every time I find out that I'm not pregnant.  I think the hardest part is not understanding why I am not pregnant.  I keep praying that God will help me to get pregnant when He thinks its the right time, but I can't understand why now isn't the right time.  I know I should just relax and trust Him, but it is really hard. 

When I finally gained the strength to get up and deal with it I went and laid down on the bed for a while to think about things.  I think part of why I am in such a hurry to get pregnant is because my husband just turned 31.  For some reason I feel like at that age he should have at least one kid by now.  My parents are only 20 years older than I am, and although they were horrible parents, I like having parents closer to my age.  I feel like I can relate to them better.  I want my kids to have that.  I want my kids to have a dad that is young and energetic and willing to get out and play with them.  I know my husband isn't that old, but I can't help but feel like he should be a father by now.

Every time I find out I'm not pregnant I feel like it is somehow my fault; like I'm doing something wrong.  I know that isn't the case, so why do I always feel that way?  I think every time I find I'm not pregnant I go through all the seven stages of grief.  I know I did yesterday.  Now I am feeling optimistic again for this month, but I still remain in fear of being disappointed again.

To Test or Not To Test

It is getting so tempting to take a pregnancy test.  I know it would be a dumb idea but I am getting so anxious to find out if I am pregnant.  Some people would say just take one, but if I get a negative result I will be left in the same place I am now - still wondering if I might be pregnant.  Not to mention I'd be throwing money out the window.  I am going to try to be strong and wait it out.  I might not make it to the 17th, but my goal is to wait until at least Wednesday, the 14th.  By then my period definitely should have started if I'm not pregnant.

Day 26

It is now day 26 of my cycle.  If I am not pregnant, my period should start between Wednesday and Saturday of this week.  With it being late the last few months, though, I'm really not sure when to expect it.  That's why I'm waiting until March 17 (a week from this Saturday) to test if my period doesn't come between now and then. 

As I have before, I am having some possible pregnancy symptoms...  In the past 2 weeks I have had sore breasts, acne problems (I have always struggled with acne, but it seems to be worse than normal), increased appetite, constipation, a slightly funny feeling in my tummy, and I don't feel right sleeping on my stomach. It feels like there is something extra in there.  What's ridiculous, though, is that I've pretty much had all of these symptoms before, although not at the same time, and had false alarms. 

I'm trying not to get my hopes up but I can't stop thinking about it.  My husband's birthday was yesterday and he was disappointed to hear it might be another couple of weeks before we know for sure.  He said it would have been a great birthday present to find out I am pregnant.  This made me so excited, because sometimes I worry that he isn't ready for kids.  I definitely think he's ready now, though.  We went to a marriage retreat last weekend and it really drew us closer together and forced us to work out the kinks in our relationship.  I gained a new found confidence in starting a family together.

I am still struggling with nutrition, knowing that I might be pregnant.  It is hard to know where to draw the line.  Do I have to totally cut out all junk foods or just use moderation?  I have been so ravenously hungry lately that it's hard to turn anything down!  I have avoided some things but I feel like I could be doing better.

Coffee and Other Confusion

I think I ovulated yesterday, even though it was only day 12, and now I'm doing everything I told myself not to do!  I'm feeling "different" today, even though I know symptoms don't show up this soon.  I also went online to see when my due date would be if I am pregnant.  I was happy to see that it would be mid November.  I don't want my kid to have a birthday too close to Christmas.  Why can't I just convince myself to not think about being pregnant?

Because I could possibly be pregnant, I spent a half an hour this morning trying to decide whether or not to have coffee.  I switched to decaf when I started trying to get pregnant because I figured it would be best to go without caffeine.  I have never been someone that drinks it every day, but I usually have one cup 3-4 days a week.  The other day, though, my brother-in-law mentioned something about chemicals being used to decaffeinate coffee.  I decided to do some research and found a lot of conflicting information.  Some people think its totally safe to have 1 cup of regular coffee a day, while others say to stay away from it completely.  In regards to decaf, some say the amount of chemicals left in the coffee after decaffeinating it is so small that it isn't an issue, while others say you are better off drinking regular coffee than decaf because of the chemicals.  There is decaf coffee that was decaffeinated using water instead of chemicals, but I don't have any and I've heard it is expensive so I finally resorted to going totally without coffee.  I just feel like I can't take that risk because if I am pregnant, now (and the next few weeks) is the most crucial time in the baby's development. 

I just wish there were more clear yes or no answers in regards to nutrition during pregnancy.  I don't want to do anything to harm my baby, but I don't want to go way overboard either.  Sometimes I think about how many people just live their lives like they always did and have totally normal, healthy babies, but I know that's not the attitude to have.  I guess I'll just continue doing my best and trying not to stress about it.  It will be easier when I know I am pregnant.  March 17 can't come soon enough!  Yes, I set a date to take a pregnancy test so I won't keep taking them too early and wasting them!