When I awoke with a full bladder this morning, I had everything ready.  My plastic cup and home pregnancy test had been waiting on the bathroom counter all night.  It had been 34 days since the first day of my last period, and I hadn't had any signs of another period's arrival.  I peed in the cup, set it on the counter, and what do you know...when I wiped there was a pale spot of blood on the toilet paper.  I wiped again and got the same thing. 

I have been trying to get pregnant for 5 or 6 months (long enough that I can't remember!), and now it will be another 2 months before I can even try again (my husband is away for work).  Oddly enough, this time I didn't cry...or get angry.  I'm certainly not happy about it, but I guess I'm getting used to it.  I still can barely stand to see other babies, though! 

I think I'm going to treat myself to a trip to Starbucks and Ross today to make myself feel better.  This also means if I try hard enough I could have a swimsuit body by June!  It always helps to think about the positives.  I don't have to stress so much about what I'm eating or drinking between now and then; at least not in the same way.  All I can do is keep praying and trust that God is in control.

Disappointed Again

I was out raking the front yard yesterday on the most beautiful day we've had all year, when it felt like my period was starting.  I went to the bathroom to confirm and sure enough, there it was.  I just stared at it for a minute, as if in denial of what I was seeing...and then I broke down crying.  I know it has only been 4 or 5 months since we began trying for a baby, but it is still heartbreaking every time I find out that I'm not pregnant.  I think the hardest part is not understanding why I am not pregnant.  I keep praying that God will help me to get pregnant when He thinks its the right time, but I can't understand why now isn't the right time.  I know I should just relax and trust Him, but it is really hard. 

When I finally gained the strength to get up and deal with it I went and laid down on the bed for a while to think about things.  I think part of why I am in such a hurry to get pregnant is because my husband just turned 31.  For some reason I feel like at that age he should have at least one kid by now.  My parents are only 20 years older than I am, and although they were horrible parents, I like having parents closer to my age.  I feel like I can relate to them better.  I want my kids to have that.  I want my kids to have a dad that is young and energetic and willing to get out and play with them.  I know my husband isn't that old, but I can't help but feel like he should be a father by now.

Every time I find out I'm not pregnant I feel like it is somehow my fault; like I'm doing something wrong.  I know that isn't the case, so why do I always feel that way?  I think every time I find I'm not pregnant I go through all the seven stages of grief.  I know I did yesterday.  Now I am feeling optimistic again for this month, but I still remain in fear of being disappointed again.